When you hear the word “narcissist,” you probably picture someone who always has to be the center of attention. This need for admiration can sometimes reach the level of clinical pathology. However, it’s not always so obvious to friends, family members, and even significant others. Today, we’ll discuss covert narcissism in relationships.

Traits of a Covert Narcissist

Overt narcissism is the out-there, clear display of narcissistic traits. Covert narcissists, on the other hand, are more subtle in their actions. You can think of them as introverts with grandiose tendencies. They meet the same criteria as their better-known counterparts, but hide behind sensitivity. Symptoms include:

• Self-importance – A covert narcissist is just as self-involved as an overt narcissist, but they find different ways to fulfill their need for attention. They may minimize their accomplishments to fish for compliments.
• Muddying the waters – By confusing you, narcissists are able to gain power in relationships.
• Seeking admiration – While an overt narcissist may be open about their need for glorification, covert narcissists satisfy this desire by looking for reassurance.
• Emotional unavailability – They may strive to appear emotionally open, but a covert narcissist tends to disregard and distance themselves from their partners.
• Shaming others – Traditionally, narcissists are masters in casting blame and shaming people. In relationships, a covert narcissist may act as if they are the victim of your behavior.
• Giving (with strings attached) – Narcissistic people can’t just give for giving’s sake. Don’t be surprised if a covert narcissist in your life only provides presents and favors with strings attached.

They may have become this way through conditioning – maybe their parents continually reinforced that they were special and unique. They may be the product of high-achieving lifestyles. Narcissistic personality disorder is also linked to more mysterious influences like genetics, adverse childhood experiences, and temperament.

Covert Narcissism Test

Are you worried about your own behaviors? Is your significant other a covert narcissist? Take the covert narcissist test – or have them take it – to learn more. This test is sourced from IDRlabs.com and is based on contemporary research. It is called the IDR-3MCNT. Respond to each question with Not me, Describes me somewhat, or Definitely me.

1. My secret thoughts, feelings, and actions would horrify my loved ones.
2. My feelings are easily hurt by ridicule or insulting remarks.
3. I have enough on my hands without worrying about other people’s problems.
4. I am extremely sensitive to success and failure.
5. I silently wonder why others aren’t appreciative of my good qualities.
6. Defeat or disappointment usually shames or angers me, but I try not to show it.
7. I secretly resent others who have what I wish I had.
8. I dislike sharing credit for an achievement with other people.
9. I am often secretly annoyed when people come to me for help with their problems (or sympathy).
10. I easily become wrapped up in my own interests and forget the needs of those who are closest to me.

If your loved one checks these boxes, it is possible that they may be a covert narcissist. Fortunately, there are ways to overcome covert narcissism in relationships.

How to Deal with a Covert Narcissist

First, it’s important to evaluate your relationship. If the two of you are already strained, or if you’ve been waiting to end things, you can walk away now. However, if you’d like to make some changes, you should consider the following:

• What are your goals for the relationship?
• Can the other person meet you where you’d like to be?
• Is the other person the one with all the power?
• How much do you value this relationship?
• Will both of you commit to changing?

Once you’ve decided on your intentions, it’s time to start setting boundaries. Be strong and resist any victimization they may respond with. It’s okay to pick your battles at this time; you don’t have to provide an in-depth explanation for every choice. Instead, you can express yourself through the DEAR MAN strategy:

            Describe the situation factually

            Express your feelings about what’s happening

            Ask for what you need

            Reward them by explaining the positive effects of what you want

            Mindfully approach the conversation, ignoring distractions

            Appear confident

            Negotiate – don’t hesitate to offer alternatives that work for both of you

This is a pathway to effective communication that works for both of you. Be sure to be gentle with your significant other. You can also validate them, as long as you don’t reinforce their delusions.

Finally, remember to keep your own well-being first. If the other person is undermining your recovery or jeopardizing your mental health, it’s okay to move on. If you need help recovering from covert narcissism in relationships, contact Lakeside-Milam. Our admissions team can talk to you about our outpatient mental health programming.

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The Trauma of Addiction

We’ve previously discussed how painful and upsetting addiction can be for the person struggling with it. Now we would like to consider the effect of addiction on their loved ones.

Substance abuse is a key cause of trauma within the family unit. This illness may appear suddenly; from that point, it affects all aspects of life in the home. That’s because the addicted person, willingly or not, creates distressing situations time and time again. They become irrational and disregard the consequences of their actions. If anyone tries to stop them from drinking or using drugs, they may react violently. An addict might also say things they don’t mean while under the influence.

Dr. Tian Dayton, clinical psychologist and daughter of an alcoholic, put it this way:

“To see the father you love turn into a raging, abusive monster… or the child you have raised and adored turn into someone you cannot recognize… is nothing short of terrifying.”

Addiction creates unpredictable, painful scenarios that can impact family members both in the moment and for years to come. People in these situations struggle to trust or form strong bonds with others. They begin to believe that the negative things the addict said in the heat of the moment are true. It’s also common for victims of abuse to become hypervigilant: always on guard for the next threat. A variety of behaviors can make them react in this way.

Types of Trauma Associated with Addiction

Traumas in an addicted household may include:

• Emotional abuse: making unreasonable demands, creating chaos, arguing just to argue
• Boundary violations: having to listen to upsetting, inappropriate stories from the addicted person
• Verbal abuse: blaming, gaslighting, making threats, name-calling
• Feeling unsupported: even when the person with an addiction wants to be there for you, they cannot
• Blaming oneself: taking responsibility for the family member’s substance abuse
• Putting the addicted person first: cancelling important events, making excuses
• Physical abuse: pulling hair, hitting, damaging property when angry
• Ongoing deception: not being able to believe anything the family member says
• Codependency: an unhealthy, enmeshed relationship
• Secrecy: being forced to keep the situation a secret from people at work or school
• Rescuing the addicted person: repeatedly bailing someone out of jail, cheering them up when they are depressed, or loaning them large sums of money
• Domestic abuse: intimate partner violence
• Taking care of the addicted person: cleaning up after a bad night, assisting them in sobering up

What is Trauma Bonding?

The events above create a chaotic home environment. They also generate powerful feelings that family members often struggle to process. This is especially true because substance abuse (and abuse in general) tends to occur in cycles: one minute, the addict is fully consumed by their substance abuse and acts out. The next, they’re promising to get clean and sober – saying everything their loved ones want to hear. These conflicting behaviors can cause trauma bonding between each family member and the person struggling with addiction.

When this behavior starts, it may take the family by surprise. Afterwards, the addicted person may promise to change, explain away their actions, and apologize. Family members will relent because they remember who their loved one was before they began drinking or using drugs. Unfortunately, the cycle often continues until the person struggling with addiction seeks professional help.

Signs of Trauma Bonding

Depending on the relationship, trauma bonding may take different forms. These are the main signs that substance abuse has caused this issue in your family.

• An imbalance of power (feeling like everyone’s lives revolve around the addict)
• A repetitive cycle (between acting out and promising to change)
• “I love them, but I don’t like them.”
• Distancing from others who try to help
• Fixating on the good times instead of the present
• Making excuses for their behavior
• Defending their actions when others are concerned
• Believing you can change them yourself (without their effort)
• Keeping their behavior a secret

You may notice that many of these indicators also align with the definition of enabling someone with substance use disorder.

The Role of Dopamine

To understand why people stay in a traumatic relationship, consider the role of dopamine in addiction. This hormone has a similar function in the cycle of abuse. After something bad happens, family members will receive apologies, promises of change, and affection: everything they have hoped for. This triggers the release of dopamine, which strengthens each family member’s connection with the addicted person. That powerful dopamine boost is also associated with the repetitive drug-seeking behaviors of those with substance use disorder. Until the root issues of addiction and mental health are addressed, trauma bonding is unlikely to resolve on its own.

Healing for the Whole Family

When it comes to trauma bonding, there are a few steps that each person can take to find mental wellness for themselves. These include:

• Practicing positive self-talk
• Creating a self-care regimen
• Focusing on what is happening now
• Learning more about addiction and dysfunction
• Getting some distance from the situation
• Setting boundaries with the addicted person
• Leaning on loved ones for support and positive reinforcement
• Reflecting on what a healthy relationship should look like
• Making a plan to stay safe and get help
• Participating in therapy (whether or not the other person seeks treatment)

Addiction is a treatable condition, and so is the trauma bonding associated with it. With tailored family programming, Lakeside-Milam provides an outlet for relatives to express themselves, receive support in a group setting, and work through issues in one-on-one therapy. Our multifaceted approach includes cognitive-behavioral therapy, process groups, and individual sessions to treat the whole person.

If you feel like your spouse, parent, child, or sibling has become a stranger, help is available. Contact Lakeside-Milam for information about addiction treatment and family support.

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